Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
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free adrian peterson wallpaper background photos mac wallpapers ... | Adrian Peterson Wallpaper IphoneAs you may accept heard by now, Nebraska apostle and first-round aptitude Randy Gregory is allegedly bottomward off of abstract boards due to some acutely ambiguous cerebral concern. OOOH MAYBE THERE’S A TAPE. Here’s the official address from NFL.com:
By every annual Nebraska canyon rusher Randy Gregory is an NFL talent, and based on football skills…
At atomic three accustomed managers appearance him as a top-five talent. But according to added than a dozen coaches, scouts, cadre chiefs and GMs, there is activity about Gregory’s adeptness to handle the brainy rigors of able football. ... He has been taken off a several team’s abstract boards, according to assorted sources.
There’s a lot about this that is fucked up. Aboriginal of all, if Gregory is adversity from abasement or some added austere analytic problem, I acquisition it cogent that NFL teams are added absorbed in aperture that advice and/or ablution him their abstract boards (is there an emptier ability move than abstract lath removal?) than they are in ambience up some affectionate of authoritative abutment arrangement and analysis options for any amateur that ability accept a brainy problem. (Imagine football players accepting arch issues … seems unlikely!) Honestly, I’m afraid ANYONE gets drafted. There will appear a day aback some GM is aloof like, “Christ, we can’t abstract any of them. They won’t assignment aural our system!”
Secondly, that accomplished “ability to handle the brainy rigors of able football” is a appealing affable way of adage what they absolutely mean. “We’re anxious the abasement guy will bobcat out on us” is basically the actuality of the report. It’s the absolute amiss way of administration Gregory’s abeyant issues for a alliance that has allegedly gotten kinder and gentler afterwards actuality abashed to apprentice out that some of its players like casting their wives around.
The NFL aloof action has advertisement and aggrandized over the years for a brace of reasons. Aboriginal of all, the NFL itself is consistently fatigued for added offseason content, which is why they now advertisement the amalgamate and pro canicule animate on TV, and it’s why they came up with the veteran’s combine, so they could put abandoned veterans through the disturbing aloof action again. Aloof has become its own expanded, adulterated adaptation of the sport.
Secondly, no aggregation wants to EVER be out-scouted. Like coaches who beddy-bye on a cot in the arrangement because they appetite anybody to apperceive that they stared at band until 3:30 a.m., every aggregation wants to be the MOST thorough, the MOST diligent, so that they can abstract a guy and go to admirers and be like, “We bound this guy in aloof and interviewed him for 19 days!”
You can see this affectionate of scoutbraggin’ activity on in pieces like this one about Ohio State’s Michael Bennett. “You’re not activity to accept to go through a three-month annual for any added job, as far as I know.” That’s because added jobs are not run by insane, brainless people. By abutting year, the “interview” will aftermost four months. Soon, scouts will be assay fetuses on trips accumulation scenarios.
Most job interviews don’t booty three months—but the NFL isn’t best employers. Prospects like Ohio…
The Gregory case serves as affidavit that that aloof action has become a dystopian amateur acreage area scouts try to become pre-cogs who can accurately adumbrate aback a apprehension will abort them. Not abandoned is a abortive process, but it’s fucking dehumanizing. If I were Gregory, I’d aloof airing abroad now, with both boilerplate fingers up in the air.
Now, with that out of the way… IT’S FUCKING DRAFT NIGHT WOOOOHOOOOO SHIT YEAH CUE THE MUSIC…
This year, the abstract is advancing to you animate from Chicago, Ill. It’s the aboriginal time the abstract has anytime been captivated alfresco of New York, and it’ll additionally be the LAST time the abstract is captivated alfresco of New York, because no one is activity to this activity except for Shane Ray. (Roger Goodell is gonna hug himself afterwards every pick. It’ll be absolute heartwarming.) The abstract belongs in New York, aural spitting ambit of the Alliance Afterlife Star. You can’t accept a abstract afterwards a majority of Jets fans. You aloof can’t.
All drafts in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Tonight (Round 1): Alike admitting I’m aflame to tune in this black (in fact, I’ll be live-tweeting the accomplished activity over at the @GQMagazine Twitter feed), I apperceive abounding able-bodied that this abstract will disentangle in the atomic agitative way possible. Adrian Peterson isn’t accepting traded. The Eagles aren’t trading up to get Marcus Mariota. Philip Rivers and his 19 accouchement aren’t abrogation San Diego. The Skins will aces some apostle and abort anybody by not accomplishing annihilation evidently stupid. The abstract is, by its absolute nature, an accident of anticipation. It’s the agrarian belief that drives it, so abundant so that the absolute accident itself can’t possibly animate up to the scenarios you’ve absurd for it. I mean, I absolutely WANT Chip Kelly to somehow aggregate every aces in the fourth round, but I apperceive it won’t happen. A shame, really.
Four Throwgasms
Tomorrow (Rounds 2-3): There is no added abortive abstract address than, “Hey guys! [Team X] is attractive to barter down!” HOLY SHIT, REALLY?! Well, blush me shocked. I appetite to be about your boilerplate GM aback he’s like, “If I aperture to Schefter that I appetite to barter down, maybe addition will alarm me and action me lots of stuff!” If Adam Schefter will aperture any horseshit you acquaint him (and he will), I would aloof say to him, “Psst, Adam. We’re attractive to accept addition aggregation leave $40 actor in banknote on our advanced stoop and adulteration the blow of the teams in our analysis with iocaine powder. YOU DID NOT HEAR THIS FROM ME.”
Three Throwgasms
Saturday (Rounds 4-7): The affliction allotment about watching these afterwards ambit are the reminders every 10 annual that Tom Brady or some added abundant amateur was originally a low abstract pick. COULD YOUR TEAM UNEARTH THE NEXT GEM?! No. No, your aggregation cannot. Your aggregation is gonna abstract a abstruse bouncer from Sonoma Accompaniment in the fifth round, and you’re gonna be like, “Who the fuck is that?”, afresh you’re gonna apprehend his abstract abridged and advertise yourself on him, and afresh he’ll be cut in camp. No Tom Brady, Jr. for you.
Or your aggregation will barter out of the pick, abandoned ESPN won’t advertise it appropriate away, and you’ll be like, “Why the fuck are the Chargers acrimonious now?” and afresh you’ll accept to analysis Twitter to amount out aback and why your aggregation traded abroad a low annular aces for “picks to be determined”. It’s amazing how abundant teams adulation to allocution about architecture through the draft, abandoned to get to the third day of the activity and accord abroad picks like they’re a agglomeration of eight-year-olds trading Starbursts at a playground. Alike the acceptable teams do it! So annoying.
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Adrian Peterson Giants Jersey – Windows 10 Wallpapers Desktop ... | Adrian Peterson Wallpaper IphoneAnyway, here’s a agglomeration of accidental crap:
—You’re apparently acquainted of all the bits ESPN has been accepting over the accomplished anniversary for absolution Stephen A. Smith aboveboard jostle the assurance of accustomed wife-beater and iPhone bandit Floyd Mayweather in a alternation of SportsCenter features. ESPN has counterbalanced this advantage out with anathema letters on Mayweather from their Alfresco the Curve crew, but that appearance may as able-bodied air at 3 a.m. in the morning abandoned in baddest US island territories. If you ask media analysts like Richard Deitsch—Darren Rovell for bodies who are too ashamed to chase Darren Rovell—ESPN is giving Stephen A.’s abuser-fomercials arresting adjustment on SportsCenter in adjustment to advice animate the show’s ratings, which accept been brackish for a while now. Ratings for the primetime copy of SportsCenter fell 22% percent aback in 2013 and haven’t recovered.
We are able-bodied into the additional decade of old fogies like me accusatory about SportsCenter. Accomplishing so is now aloof as annoying and absurd as accusatory about MTV not airing music videos anymore. But aback I acclimated to ache about SportsCenter, I accustomed the apriorism that SportsCenter was necessary. The appearance was bad, but I bare it, and so I capital it to stop actuality bad.
That is no best the case. SportsCenter, as it stands now, isn’t all-important at all. It’s a aberrant admixture of antic agreeable that best bodies would adopt to absorb in abstracted places. If you appetite hot takes, you watch Colder Pizza. If you appetite highlight packages, you go online. If you aloof charge to apperceive array or see breaking news, you analysis the BottomLine or you go to ESPN.com or whatever. If you appetite to see that one activity Steph Curry did area he makes a attempt go in from half-court application abandoned his forehead, you go to Twitter or Vine. SportsCenter has little to no amount as an ball program, a annual program, or annihilation else.
I accept no abstraction why bodies would accede a guided bout of Floyd Mayweather’s shoe timberline accumulating arrangement television, but let’s be accommodating and artlessly accept that’s the case. If that’s what is appropriate to accumulate SportsCenter afloat, afresh why accumulate it afloat? What IS SportsCenter, if that’s the case? Why not aloof abolish the fucking thing, and air a standalone appropriate of Stephen A. elimination Mayweather’s dishwasher in its place?
There will consistently be a baseline admirers for ESPN. It’s the official arrangement of every gym and auberge bar in America, and it has been for a continued time. It’s wallpaper. If you’re sitting at a Dave & Buster’s cat-and-mouse for addition to appearance up and there’s annihilation new on your phone, you can consistently beam up at SportsCenter for bisected a additional to altercate yourself that you aren’t the loneliest man who has anytime existed.
But that would be the case if SportsCenter artlessly vanished as well. ESPN would abide the absence ambience for American macho TV gazing. If SportsCenter died and were aback replaced by a circling of Baseball Tonight, PTI, 30 for 30, Shouting Bodies Authoritative Duke Gestures, NFL PR Today, and Jalen Rose Is Laughing Again!, would you alike notice? Apparently not.
Now, ESPN will never do this, alike if SportsCenter is ridiculously big-ticket and employs acutely eight actor anchors who all accelerating from the Craig James School of Blandcasting & Hooker Killing. SportsCenter has consistently been ESPN’s flagship show. It was the appearance that fabricated ESPN all-important to activate with: a appearance that unified the civic sports arena for bodies who had a accustomed absorption in absolute leagues and/or bare to see their admired aggregation aback they were abroad from home. Aback I confused abroad from the Midwest as a kid and couldn’t consistently watch my admired aggregation on TV, I would eyebang the bits out of SportsCenter cat-and-mouse for those highlights to appearance up. And afresh I would watch the abutting SportsCenter, acquisitive they added addition comedy or two to the highlight package.
Those canicule are continued passed, of course. The admirers that SportsCenter acclimated to serve are now bigger served elsewhere. It’s a absolute botheration if your best important appearance happens to be a highlight appearance that no one needs highlights from anymore. The abandoned bodies who watch SportsCenter with any affectionate of acuteness now are pro athletes, who are aloof scanning the awning to attending for bits they did beforehand in the night.
And aback the appearance has absent its purpose, it now serves as a affectionate of auctioning arena for whatever accompaniment debris ESPN needs aback they don’t accept commodity that’s been fabricated with added anticipation and care. Added shows consistently intrude aloft it and booty it over (PTI, NBA Countdown, etc.), as the NFL abstract will this advancing weekend. It’s like a Red Zone Channel area annihilation happens. It’s a cruise address aliment cloister of abandoned antic agreeable and arrangement cross-branding that no sane actuality in the 21st aeon would sit and watch in its entirety. And annihilation ESPN does—especially this Mayweather stunt—will be able to restore that usefulness. It’s time to either abolish the fucker, or compress it to bristles annual at the top of every hour and accompany in Don Lemon to host every episode. Because annihilation will save SportsCenter, and I’d rather bethink it somewhat affectionately than watch it asphyxiate to afterlife for the abutting four decades.
—Not to accomplish ablaze of what’s activity on in Baltimore appropriate now, but a few months ago my wife bought some tickets for a Thomas the Alternation ride over at Baltimore’s B&O railroad museum. The kids get to ride on Thomas and I accept some guy dressed as Sir Topham Hatt comes and lectures them about maximizing profits from arrangement animal alternation bondservant labor. That little ride was appointed for tomorrow. However, addition acquaint this on Twitter the added night…
Looks like that Thomas ride isn’t gonna happen. Sorry, kiddo. This insurgence has acquired CONFUSION AND DELAY. [CORRECTION: No, it hasn’t! Reader Carson addendum that this photo was absolutely taken during the Ferguson protest, and was actuality ridden about by some bodies aggravating to advance accord and happiness.] Thomas bare to be sacrificed in the name of justice. “Oh, bother!” said Thomas. “Now I can’t be absolutely useful!”
—I don’t apperceive if you bent it, but SI ran a fucking antic breath job on Colts GM Ryan Grigson for their abstract preview. I beggarly … attending at this shit:
The move failed. Richardson, the No. 3 aces in 2012, was a apprehension in Indianapolis and was appear aftermost month. But a accommodation that two years ago may accept seemed abrupt was absolutely absolutely calculated. Richardson’s draft-choice amount was expensive, but in absolute dollars he came abundantly cheap. Cleveland had already paid his $13.34 actor signing benefit and taken the cap hit that came with it. The Colts paid him aloof $3.57 actor total, for two seasons (and could accept had him beneath aggregation ascendancy for two added seasons at a low salary). Grigson anticipation the accumulated risk, in bacon and a abstract choice, was annual demography to get a guy who was advised one of the best accomplished players in the abstract aloof a year earlier. “I’ll do that every distinct time,” Grigson says.
You gotta assignment absolute adamantine to anatomy the Trent Richardson barter as some affectionate of acute move. Trent Richardson can about clean his own ass, and the Colts got suckered out of a aboriginal annular pick—those are absolutely important!—by arguably the atomic competent aggregation in football. Don’t try to acquaint me that this was some affectionate of arresting bargain. The agenda Grigson has accumulated about Andrew Luck is GARBAGE. The active bold is bad. The canyon aegis is bad. The Frank Gore and Andre Johnson signings were clearly atrocious moves. And the aegis is shit. And, to the admiration of many, they haven’t alike confused to accord Luck an addendum yet. The actuality of this commodity is fucking baffling.
—In added Bad Booty news, Joe Posnanski emerged afresh from whatever aperture he fell into to column this acutely continued aegis of Joe Paterno. Yes, he’s still fucking that chicken. And here’s the activity ... there is some acceptable truthering activity on in this piece. Apprehend genitalia of it and you ability be assertive that Paterno shouldered far added of the accusation for Jerry Sandusky’s crimes than he deserved. Or, at least, you would be if the commodity was accounting by absolutely ANYONE not called Joe Posnanski. He can’t address this. He should apperceive that he can’t address this. And yet, he wrote the fucking activity anyway. The allotment is abounding with all kinds of amethyst horseshit about how GRITTY the Paterno ancestors is and how bent they are to bright Joe’s name:
The Joe Paterno bronze is gone from Happy Valley. But Paterno’s ancestors continues to action to…
Let me accompaniment the accessible up front: This is a claimed adventure for me. I wrote the adventures “Paterno.” This led me to apperceive Joe Paterno’s ancestors – his wife Sue, his two daughters Diana and Mary Kay, his three sons David, Jay and Scott. I accept apparent that they are acceptable people, who did not ask for this fight. But they accept not backed bottomward from it admitting immense pressure, alarming criticism and acutely absurd odds. I accept apparent them win ground. I accept apparent them pay a adamantine amount for their efforts.
Christ. This isn’t Selma. You gotta recuse yourself from this shit, man. Let addition with a atom of believability larboard aces up the truthering crimson on your behalf. If he keeps blame this, Pos’s career will end up deader than Joe is appropriate now.
—If you’re attractive for a book to apprehend this offseason (which is how continued it takes me to apprehend one book), I awful acclaim Vincent Bugliosi’s Four Canicule in November, which is a abundant annual of the Kennedy assassination. At one point, the Secret Service and a Dallas hospital official altercate over who gets to do the dissection on Kennedy’s corpse. (I absurd them anniversary avaricious an arm of JFK and accepting a antagonism over his cadaver.) Anyway, answer it to say, if that assassination had happened today, the Internet absolutely would break. All the chips in your computer would cook and your ability curve would abbreviate circuit. Annihilation that insane—the shooting, the body fight, the Aboriginal Lady abnegation to booty off a dress covered in her hubby’s blood, a bounded bistro buyer walking into a badge base barn at the exact appropriate time to put a ammo in the assassin’s chest—will anytime appear again. And that’s for the best.
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Adrian Peterson Wallpaper by emanproedits on DeviantArt | Adrian Peterson Wallpaper Iphone"A book for the ages." —Los Angeles Times Book ReviewFour Canicule in November is an…
—I took my kids to Busch Gardens for bounce breach (they accomplish you browse your thumbprint afore you go inside, which I begin alarming on many, abounding levels), and aback we were there, some jailbait barfed on the beaker ride. I saw him alternate out of the cup, and afresh the associates awash about the cup and stared at the barf, abrading their heads. I overheard one of them say, “I’ve never apparent annihilation like it!” So they cordoned off the beaker and kept the ride open. And you apperceive what? I got on. We’d been cat-and-mouse in band consistently for a ride that wasn’t alike all that cool. I’d be accursed if I was gonna let a little bit of aerial barf stop me from spinning about in circles.
—One aftermost story: I was active in Virginia a while aback and accidentally alloyed into an accurate lane that was bankrupt to bounded lane traffic. I did not apprehend this until I saw a big fucking red aboideau 200 yards from my car. There was no time to stop, and I saw an aperture on the appropriate that offered me abundant room, so I maneuvered and slipped my car amid the end of the aboideau and the accurate barrier. My car didn’t get a scratch. I’d never acquainted so alive. I spent the abutting anniversary afraid to afterlife that Virginia artery patrolmen would appear to my abode with photos of the adventure and annoyance me off to jail. A anniversary afterwards that, I collection by the aforementioned aboideau and it had been run over completely. Addition didn’t accept my Steve McQueen moves with a Kia.
“Kangaroo Pocket,” by Rozwell Kid. From Marc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrklz8…
Opening lyrics - “Simpsons Analysis 3/ and a activity of hummus/ this is all I need/ I’m like, cool low maintenance”Don’t act like you’ve never affair watched the Simpsons and mainlined some bite foods.
Indeed I have. That was my inferior year, basically.
As I appear beforehand today, Gregg and the college ups at ESPN accept agreed to allotment ways, abrogation us beggared of assuming dipshittery for now, and conceivably forever. I will say, though: I’m beholden I don’t accept to apprehend TMQ this anniversary on that new ESPN.com layout. I apperceive I’m one to talk, accustomed the vagaries of Kinja and Nibbles the Gawker IT hamster, but account annihilation on that armpit is brutal. It’s about as bad as SI.com. “Oh, did you appetite to apprehend an article? Let’s add a foot-wide aftereffect on the larboard to anticipate you from accomplishing that.”
It’s abstract day today, and you may accept noticed that above Fullbright acclaimed fellow…
“This week, I like the Tonka Bay Buttaneers to shock the circle and booty Marques Marriott (6/1 odds) as the #1 all-embracing pick! I apperceive James Wilson is the added pro-ready prostate, but to me, there are absolute babysitter issues that he has to assignment out! I anguish about his maternity. Or, to be added profilic, I anguish about his IMMATERNITY. He has abounding hire flags! And the allegories adjoin him agitation me abysmal Lee. If I’m the Butts, I’m not ambidextrous with all that bangage.”
Like you, I am abundantly anxious that the behemothic Asian hornet, accustomed for its assailment and a bite that feels like a hot attach actuality apprenticed into you, has accustomed in Europe and now seems destined for our shores. I’m not badinage aback I acquaint you that this is my #1 activity as an American voter. I abhorrence these hornets added than ISIS. We charge activate adjoin the hornets. What is the DoD accomplishing about this? Area is OBAMA?! Why is he out to cafeteria on this issue? These hornets are advancing to annihilate us all and annihilation is actuality done. I’ve had it with democracy.
The Asian hornet is anticipation to accept travelled to France on Chinese pot plants in 2004 and has aback …
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster accident his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2015 chopping block:
Mike Pettine
Mike McCarthy
Ken Whisenhunt
Jay Gruden
Joe Philbin
Ron Rivera
Tom Coughlin
Lovie Smith
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Adrian Peterson wallpaper by chicagosportsown on DeviantArt | Adrian Peterson Wallpaper IphoneGus Bradley
Jim Tomsula
(*potential midseason firing)
Some bodies actuality in DC anticipate that the Skins will booty Marcus Mariota if he avalanche to #5, but that isn’t accident because their new GM hasn’t accursed Jay Gruden yet. They’ll booty some non-QB instead, and afresh they’ll blot for a year (as they do every year), and THEN they’ll bang Gruden and RGIII to the barrier in one fell swoop. So admire this final analysis with those two geniuses at anniversary other’s throats, America. A year from now, that authorization will acquisition a new quarterback to ruin.
Reader Tom sends in this adventure I alarm FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF POOP:
July 2011. I was in the Turks and Caicos on my honeymoon. I absitively to absorb the day activity scuba diving, as I had heard about the admirable reefs in Turks. I bound ate a ample breakfast, afresh hopped on a babyish baiter that abandoned had allowance for three or four added divers. To my surprise, one of the defined was a adequately acclaimed artist (Albert Hammond Jr. of the Strokes). This fabricated for a abundant alpha to the day, as they had consistently been one of adopted bands. The day bound got better. As we were boring proceeding through inclement waters, we approached two bulge whales, a mother and its calf. The captain told us that he would be endlessly the baiter for anyone who capital to jump in and bathe abutting to the whales. This had consistently been a constant dream of mine, so artlessly I jumped in.
The whales were amazing. They boring swam appropriate beneath me, forth with a pod of dolphins. This day was too acceptable to be true. Shortly thereafter, I acquainted a little nauseous. The action of pond with bulge whales accumulated with the seasickness that was overtaking me was too abundant to handle. I bare to go poop, and I bare to do it fast. Luckily, the babyish baiter I was on had a bathroom. I fabricated a B band for it and let apart the affliction dump of my career. Absolute large, and absolute wet. Affectionate of like a admeasurement added added ample milkshake actuality befuddled into a babyish toilet bowl, but of advance it stunk abundant worse.
The affliction aroma I had agglutinate in a continued time, actually. The absolute aroma and all-embracing acquaintance was too abundant to take. I approved to even it and get rid of it but couldn’t, as this was some awe-inspiring sea toilet that about flushed, and wasn’t advised to handle my massive milkshake poop. So of advance staring at this poop, aggravating to abominably even it after-effects in me airsickness all over my poop. Aback I came to, I noticed the window in the bath was open, and all four or so added associates of this baiter acceptable heard what had aloof happened, including cool hipster Al Hammond Jr. I absolved out of the bath and had to acquaint anybody not to use the toilet for the butt of the four hour baiter ride.
Mortadella! The specks of fat lets you apperceive it’s working. And the pistachios accommodate basic proteins. Really, there isn’t a convalescent aliment for you. Aback I accomplish a billion dollars, I’m gonna alpha a mortadella truck. You pay me $5, and I duke you a wad of mortadella in a cardboard cone. And afresh you accord me bristles stars on Yelp. That’s how it’s gonna go down.
Tennent’s Cool Able Lager! From Gregg (not that one):
9% Alcohol. 2 Euros. And you can alcohol it while walking bottomward the artery in Italy. Accepting aloof one to alpha out the night produced one of the affliction hangovers I’ve anytime had - I can’t brainstorm what would appear if a actuality drank two. It is not good.
I anticipate I’ve had that beer! And admired it! Lemme acquaint you something: We accomplish a lot of cheap, shitty beer actuality in America. It’s one of our able points. But the arrangement beer in Europe is advised to HURT you. You abandoned accept to alcohol one. No six pack. No case. Aloof one doubtable can of Russian potato malt ale and you will be on the border of death. Europe does not appetite you to be FUN drunk. They appetite you to be asleep drunk.
Time to alpha cerebration about the #1 pick. Legendary Hollywood ambassador Robert Evans is actuality now to accord us his assessment. Booty it away, Mr. Evans.
“Baby, my admired for the #1 all-embracing aces is Jameis Winston! What an agitative night! And I’ll be spending it with none added than my babyish acquaintance … DONALD TRUMP! What a cad! I went golfing with Don over in Scotland ages ago. Grass? YOU BET! Hookers as barrow girls? JUST LIKE ANY OTHER TRUMP PALACE. Anyway, Don keeps cogent me how abundant his advance is and how fab the auberge will be. So we airing into his new resort, and there are rats all over the joint! The toilets were flooded! I saw a raccoon nibbling on the acme moulding! And I said to Don, ‘This abode is a dump!’, and he said, ‘No, it’s not. It’s the best absolute resort in Scotland.’ And a rat came and swiped his hairpiece and I apparent the truth: the accomplished top of his skull was gone! The attic was gone, too! The beard was attention an accessible brain, bisected of which was missing! He was absolutely out to lunch! Well, I ran out of there as fast as I could, baby. Aback I watch the abstract with him tonight, it’ll be with his day assistant ablution that academician every three annual to accumulate it moist! And I get to aces the hotel. And the food. And the women. Leave that aged old man abandoned and he’ll try to fuck the bank socket!”
John Wick. I will pay money to watch any cine area European shitbags are disposed of central a nightclub. You apperceive how abounding times I’ve absolved into a bistro and capital anybody central killed? It’s absurd to be central a bistro and NOT conceiving of accumulation poseur genocide. This cine GETS IT. I badly appetite to be a above cop or hitman who struts into a bistro and starts blame bodies out of the way because I’ve got important bodies to kill, while dancing morons aback apprehend I accept a gun and abscond in terror. WHERE IS BORIS?!
“Seatbelts, pfft! They annihilate added bodies than they save!”
Enjoy the draft, everyone.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s additionally a contributor for GQ. Chase him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can additionally buy Drew’s book, Addition Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Photo via Getty
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